I Didn’t Know It Was Abuse
- Lina Gabbaoan
- Apr 6, 2025
- 3 min read
Updated: Dec 1, 2025
The Quiet Pain of Coercion, Control, and Emotional Confusion in Visa-Based Relationships
It didn’t start with yelling.
It didn’t look like what movies or the media told you abuse should be.
They weren’t always cruel; in fact, there were good days. Days you clung to. Days that made you second-guess everything else.
But deep inside, something kept whispering,
“This doesn’t feel right.”
If this is you, I want you to know:
You are not dramatic.
You are not weak.
You are not imagining it.
Don't ignore it. Turn the volume up.
Do not make the same mistake I made.
Abuse isn’t always loud
Many women and especially migrant or expat partners, don’t realize they are being abused until long after the damage has taken root.
That’s because abuse can be, quiet, polite, wrapped in “I just want what’s best for you”, or hidden behind smiles, financial support, and visa sponsorship.
You might have thought:
“Maybe it’s just a bad phase.”
“At least they don’t hit me.”
“I’m being too sensitive; this is normal in their culture.”
“I can’t leave; I just moved here; I have nowhere to go.”
This is how coercive control works: it chips away at your clarity until you don’t know what’s real anymore.
What Emotional Abuse Can Look Like
Here are signs I’ve seen time and again in my work with clients and from my own story, too:
You're afraid to speak up because they might withdraw their love or get upset.
They monitor your phone, friendships, or movements under the guise of “protection”.
They make decisions for both of you without any consultation, even when it deeply affects your life.
You’ve stopped expressing your needs because it always leads to arguments.
They constantly remind you that they’re doing you a favour with your visa, housing, and support.
They criticise or belittle your culture, values, or emotional needs.
You feel emotionally dependent, stuck, or like you’ve lost your sense of self.
When You’re Far From Home, It’s Even Harder to See
Moving abroad can magnify vulnerability.
You may be:
Dependent on them for your legal right to stay;
Away from family or people who could help;
Unfamiliar with local laws, language, or support systems;
Afraid to be “ungrateful” because they brought you here.
Many abusers use this dynamic to maintain control, knowing how hard it is for you to leave.
But here’s the truth:
Your visa doesn’t define your worth. Your survival is not betrayal. Your safety matters.
The Turning Point
For many women, the turning point isn’t when things get worse; it’s when they finally realise enough is enough.
“This is not love. This is not normal. This is not who I want to become.”
You don’t have to wait for things to become unbearable to ask for help.
Even if you're unsure. Even if you’re scared. Even if you still love them.
What You Can Do
If any of this resonates, here are small but powerful steps you can take:
Talk to someone safe. You don’t need to go through this alone.
Begin documenting incidents or patterns (emotionally and legally, this matters).
Learn about your visa rights and what support systems exist in your area.
Reconnect with who you were before the fear, silence, and second-guessing.
Trust that even small steps toward clarity are acts of strength.
If You’re Ready to Be Heard
I offer a safe, non-judgmental space for migrant women, expat partners, and anyone living in emotional confusion or fear within a visa-based relationship.
You don’t have to label it yet. You don’t have to know what to do.
You just need to start where you are.
Let’s gently untangle what’s happening and explore your options together.
You are not alone. And it’s not too late to choose yourself.
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